Ash and the Arbiter
by dldaddy
Summary: The story of what happens when Ash is pitted against the Covenant from Halo with some Evil Dead thrown in. AU! Final Chapter up, please R&R.
1. Chapter 1

It was a calm day at S-Mart. Ash had just finished stocking the toasters as Rick from sporting goods rounded the corner.

"Hey Ash, you cover me while I go smoke?" His tone was always condescending to Ash, even after the scene with the hellspawn two weeks prior. His circular-framed glasses and slicked hair gave the skinny, pasty man a goofy look. Ash just assumed he needed a woman in his life, even if it was an ugly one.

"No problem Rick, I got ya covered. Go smoke your cancer stick and try to fall off a cliff." Rick turned with a sneer and headed for the rear of the store.

_What a screwhead_

Several minutes had gone by when Ash's stocking adventure was interrupted by a young girl's quivering voice coming over the PA. "Customer assistance needed in sporting goods." Ash noticed the urgency in her voice and put the last toaster into place. All the boxes were neatly arranged across two rows of shelving as the displays sat shiningly above them.

As Ash rounded the corner end cap of fishing lures he got sight of a hulking creature. The silver-armored Elite sensing his presence turned to face the bewildered hero.

"Well hello Mr. Fancypants! What can I help you with today?" The Arbiter remained stoic at Ash's cynical verbalisms.

"Pathetic human, I am the Arbiter and am in need of armament. I am on a hunt from the Prophets themselves to kill the demon." The mention of the word "demon" got Ash's attention.

"Look splitlip, I am sorry to have to tell you this, but you are about two weeks too late. I killed the she-bitch and haven't seen any since." Ash couldn't tell if the Elite had an astonished or annoyed look on his face, nor did he care. "Are you going to buy something or am I going to have to ask you to leave the store?"

"Wort wort wort wort" The Arbiter let out what sounded like guttural laughter as it reared its head back and slapped its hand down on the counter, cracking the glass to the scope and binocular case.

"You puny human, would not stand a chance against the demon. He has killed many of my brethren and Lekgolo as well as the disgusting Jiralhanae."

"Now you listen here cheesecake. First of all, I couldn't give two craps about your oral-hiney or your Lego® friends if I ate a box of fiber. Secondly, you cracked our display case, and well, that just pisses me off. Thirdly, I did kill a demon, and if you aren't careful you are going to find your Neanderthal butt out on the sidewalk after I get through kicking it."

"Tell me human, are all humans who work in this store loudmouth braggarts?"

"Nope, just me baby."

Having apparently heard enough from Ash, the Arbiter reached out and grabbed him by the throat, lifting him off the ground. "Pathetic human, I will crush you like a bug."

"Come get some."

Ash reached up with his mechanical hand and grabbed the Elite's forearm. The hand clamped down on the Arbiter's flesh. The alien roared as pain shot through its arm and caused him to release its hold on Ash. At this point Teresa, who had been behind the counter with Ash, began to make a dash for the exit at the back of the store.

The Arbiter, now furious, smashed down on the glass display, splitting its frame down to the floor. Grasping each side with powerful hands, the Elite extended its arms to brush away the broken display, giving itself a clear path to Ash, who was on his hands and knees trying to regain his breath. The Arbiter took a few steps until it was towering over the employee.

"Hey ugly, your shoe's untied." The Arbiter hated the strings on his shoes; they _never_ stayed tied. With a heavy sigh the alien glanced a look down, only to be greeted by the uppercut of a metal hand. The blow stunned the Elite as it stumbled backward. Ash followed up with another blow to the creature's chest, causing it to double over.

Ash took the opportunity to bash open the shotgun and rifle display, and reached for a shotgun; a twelve gauge double-barreled Remington, S-Mart's top of the line, made in Grand Rapids Michigan. It retailed for about 109.95, had a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel and a hair trigger.

The Arbiter regained his composure and was greeted with the shotgun to his mandibles as he stood. "You dare threaten the leader of the Sangheili with your puny Earth weapon?" The Elite scoffed.

"Leader? I got news for you pal. You ain't leading but two things right now: Jack and Shit. And Jack just left town." Ash pulled the trigger and the shotgun let out a bark. The Arbiter's newly-powered shields flared as they deflected the blast, then faded.

A nearby Grunt that was looking at pool toys threw his hands in the air and began screaming. "Run awaaaaaaay!" Ash landed another blow with his armored appendage as the dazed Elite swung and missed. The Arbiter had underestimated the tenacity of the employee, and began to fall back as he deflected blows from the human.

The battle continued through the store as the Arbiter fell back, positioning the human for his doom. The fighting spilled out the front door as it chimed and a monotonic voice thanked the two combatants for shopping S-Mart.

Suddenly Ash stopped his assault on the Arbiter as he stared at the street in front of him. An army of hundreds, maybe thousands of Covenant Grunts, Jackals and Elites all turned in unison to stare at the duo as the Arbiter bellowed out another "worty" laugh.

"Puny human, your time to die has arrived." The Arbiter turned his back to Ash and began to walk away as the massive army began charging plasma weapons.

Ash broke down the shotgun and slammed two more shells into the barrel as he glared back at the congregation. With a quick snap of his wrist, the shotgun reattached its barrels to the striker with a satisfying click. A smirk snaked onto Ash's face.

"Come get some."

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Hope you enjoyed the story.. :) Probably a one-shot deal, but if enough people want it to continue I will consider it... 


	2. Cut and Run

**Got an urge today and thought I would write another chapter to this. Hope you enjoy it.. :0)**

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Ash stared at the large number of aliens as they all directed their guns toward him.

"On second thought, maybe all you primitives should leave before things get _real_ ugly."

"You will fall pathetic human." The arbiter shouted as he laughed.

"Actually, I'm gonna run." Ash turned and broke into a sprint as a wall of superheated plasma arced gracefully toward him. He made his way past the registers as the battery hit the storefront, instantly melting it into something unrecognizable.

More plasma poured into the store, melting shelves and setting fire to different portions of the store. The air was getting uncomfortably hot.

"I hope these bastards know they are going to have to pay for all this stuff." A nearby blue light melted and its plastic housing dripped down onto the floor, sizzling as it contacted the much cooler flooring.

Ash slammed the back door shut and backed up to the wall of the adjacent building as shots continued to heat up the store. Flames began lapping out of the top of the building as Teresa and Rick came running over.

"What the hell is going on Ash?"

"The customer didn't want a gift card for their return."

"So you let them blow up the whole store?"

"Listen Ricky-Dicky, I didn't let them do anything. If you want to go up there and do something managerial, then you go right ahead. As for me, I'm heading for the hills to get away from these screwheads.

"I'll come with you." Teresa was more than eager to cling to Ash's side, still reeling from the one kiss they shared. He truly was the king to her.

"Let's go."

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"Alright folks, just calm down. We can still work this out amicably." Rick tried not to let his nerves show as the Arbiter approached.

"There is nothing to work out, puny human. Tell me, where has the warrior I fought before gone?"

"I had to fire him, I can't have him riling up customers and getting my store blown up."

"Where is he now?" The Arbiter stood well above Rick's stature.

"He… said he was going to the hills. I believe there is a cabin up there he likes to visit."

"Show us this place so that we may dispose of this annoyance."

Rick leaned out slightly in order to get a look at the army standing behind the Arbiter.

"Hey, is that your network? Because I can never seem to get service out here."

"The Arbiter gave him a puzzled look and then forced him around."

"Take us to the loudmouthed one."

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"We'll be safe out here." Ash noted as he peeked out the windows of the rustic cabin.

"Oh Ash, thank you for saving me today."

"Nevermind that now, just gimme some sugar baby." The two kissed and shared an embrace. Ash then was disturbed by something he saw lying on the table across the room.

"No, it can't be… Not the damn book again."

Teresa broke her hold and turned around. Across the room was indeed a book, but not one like she had ever seen. Its dark cover was covered with ridges that looked like images, although she couldn't make it out from across the room.

As she started toward it, Ash grabbed Teresa's arm. "Listen, I am not a rules guy, but here is a biggie, do _not_ go near that book. Its not supposed to even _be_ here. I left it in the past when I came back here. That damned book should be in hell."

"I thought you said you went to the _past_?" Teresa said skeptically

"The past was hell. You should have seen the Neanderthals I had to deal with back there."

Teresa looked back to her hero. "Fine, what do you say we head to the bedroom instead?"

"Groovy."

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"Foolish human, show yourself so that you can meet your doom." The Arbiter's voice bellowed throughout the small cabin as Ash rose from the bed. Teresa grabbed the sheet and wrapped it around her bare body.

_Great, how do I get out of this one? How the hell did they fi… Rick…_

Ash checked his shotgun, and it was still loaded. His chainsaw also sat beside the bed. He wondered if he would qualify for unemployment if he killed his boss.

_But how to fight so many? What to do…_

A spark of genius erupted in Ash's brain as he hastily put on his clothes.

"Stay here and get dressed." Ash tossed Teresa her undergarments and she began to put them on.

Racing through the small cabin, Ash snatched the book off of the rotting table.

_Now if I can just remember the damn words…_

Then Ash realized he didn't need to recite them correctly, he simply needed to read from the book.

"Clatu innasa blako sey mour bute" For a moment nothing happened, but then air began to stir inside and outside of the cabin.

"Let's rock." Ash threw the front door open as the screams of the Evil Dead began to erupt. Something was in the woods, and it wanted the book.

"Hey splitlip, catch!!!" Ash threw the book toward the aliens as hard as he could, and an unaware Grunt made the catch.

That's when all hell broke loose…

_**To be continued…**_

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**Hope you liked it. Leave me some reviews and let me know what you think!**


	3. Go Time

Dozens at a time they disappeared into the woods. Grunts, Jackals and Elites alike where contorted by supernatural vines before being pulled into the abyss of the dense forest that surrounded the cabin.

Screams of horror and pain erupted through the air as bones were snapped and blood was splashed, covering the ground a kid's color assortment of blues and purples.

"Listen up sweetcheeks. We need to make a break for it. Once the deadites are through with the Darwin rejects out there they are going to come for us. We need to get the hel…"

"Hello again, Ash…" Ash turned quickly to see the moosehead on the wall behind him speaking with an other-worldly voice.

"I don't think so, not this time Clementine." A blast rang throughout the small cabin as the mounted moose head exploded in a crimson shower of blood that shouldn't have been there. Both Ash and Teresa were doused, along with anything else that was in the room.

"They got in here too quick, we have to go… Now!" Ash shouldered his boom stick and attached his faithful chainsaw before reaching out and grabbing Teresa's hand as a maniacal laughter began to fill the cabin.

The sound began to drone louder and louder in Ash's ears as he struggled to concentrate on the front door's location.

"Dead by dawn! Dead by dawn!" The words joined in with the laughter as the house itself seemed to be moving. Every rustic appliance within its confines shook, and a small lantern fell off its pedestal and shattered on the floor, spilling flammable fluid that began soaking into a nearby rug.

Ash crunk his chainsaw as he prepared to open the door, the sounds within the cabin had all grown to a single buzz within his head as he tried desperately not to concentrate on them.

"Would you all just shut the hell up!" As if on cue everything stopped. The cabin became an eerie silence with the exception of Ash's idling chainsaw.

"Well, alrighty then. Glad you primitives learned how to finally listen!" The words no sooner left his mouth than a sound louder than Ash had ever heard enveloped the small room.

Windows shattered and the front door flew open, revealing the carnage that was still taking place outside as a large vine erupted from above the forest's canopy before impaling a hunter and yanking it back into the trees, never to be seen again.

The vines were everywhere, as if the forest had became alive as a death-dealing arbor seeking whom it would devour.

Among the carnage was a lone grunt, covered completely in alien blood and gore, and clinging in shock to the Necronomicon.

The arbiter was also still out there, one of the few remaining elites in the small army that had been there moments before.

With a great grace the arbiter dodged multiple strikes, swinging purposefully with his plasma blade, severing vines and trying to stay alive.

"This is it babe, its now or never." The two went outside as the screams of the Evil Dead still rang out, although most of the Covenant's own cries of pain were silenced.

Ash powered down his chainsaw and threw it in the backseat of his _Rambler_ as Teresa jumped in the passenger seat.

The car fired up and let out a squeal as old belts wore against old gears. Dust stirred from the rear tires as it began to speed off.

Ash then made a quick adjustment of his course that propelled them directly at the lone grunt holding the book.

"I'll take that." Ash grabbed the book bound in skin as multiple vines came out and began ripping the small creature apart, separating limbs and disappearing it into the foliage.

"That's gotta hurt" Ash mouthed as the car continued to speed off. Out of the rear view mirror, Ash got one last look at the Arbiter as he was enveloped in a soft purple cylinder of light and began ascending toward the sky.

Fire erupted within the woods as the Phantom rained plasma down on it. More screams erupted from within the trees as the ship floated away with the battle's only survivor.

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"Oh come on, not again!" Ash yelled as he stared through the windshield at the downed bridge. Frustration built inside him as he knew they were coming.

"The words!" An idea fired within Ash's mind as he placed the Necronomicon in his lap and studied its grotesque cover briefly.

"If only I can remember the…" The car jerked as a vine slammed down on its hood, caving it in and making its ends stand up at odd angles.

"Hurry up and do something!" Teresa implored, tears streaming down her face.

Ash ignored her pleas and continued concentrating.

"Cletus versa Nike?" Another vine smashed the rear of the car and wrapped around it. The car creaked and moaned as it began sliding along the ground toward the woods.

"Clorox vesti… No, that's not it."

"HURRY UP!" Teresa was in full panic as they inched closer to the forest's edge.

"Alright alright I'm thinking! Jeez, just like all the other women with your demands." Another vine grasped the car and began accelerating it toward the doom of the wood-covered abyss as Ash's mind focused.

"I got it!"

"Clatu…"

"Verata…"

"Nictu!"

As if awakening from a nightmare, suddenly everything was silent, broken only by the heavy breathing that filled the car's interior.

What seemed like an eternity passed before Ash and Teresa managed to find the courage to get out of the car and look. There were no signs of the vines anywhere, and the horrid screams had been replaced with the nearby babbling brook and songs of small birds.

"Ha Ha Ha! I got you you bastards! Ash wins again!" Out of the tree line came another large vine stretching up into the sky, silhouetted against the sun. The vine then faltered and fell with a crash upon the _Rambler_, crushing it down the middle and collapsing it in on itself.

The vine just as quickly drew up and wilted away, the last effort of a conquered army.

"Can we go now?" Ash turned to see Teresa surprisingly unphased by what just happened.

"Yeah, let's get the hell out of here." Ash followed Teresa across the small remaining sliver of bridge before wrapping his arm around her neck as the two traveled down the small dirt road.

"Its good to be king." Ash said as he looked onto Teresa's soft complexion and deep brown eyes.

"Being queen isn't bad either. Hail to the king." Teresa smiled before kissing Ash as the two softly embraced.

**_The End..._**

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**_Hope you enjoyed the story. Some closing reviews would be appreciated.. :)_**


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